I’m sure all of you, at some point or another have read some form of this silly letter before. The liberal equivalent of “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”, gays have widely circulated it on the net for years. It is supposed to be a sarcastic response to biblical objections to homosexuality. Of course, the silly point the silly letter tries to make is that Christians “cherry pick” what they want to obey and enforce. The author of the letter is allegedly a gay man named Kent Ashcroft. I found this humorus response to the questions at Creative Loafing after someone posted it in the comments of the profile write-up on me.
1. Please use a George Foreman grill when sacrificing your bulls. The steaks definitely taste better.
2. You’ll need to check with the particular country’s embassy for current daughter slave rates to get the best deal.
3. I think Planned Parenthood has an anonymous hotline which provides real women to answer such questions. You can contact PP by just looking in your Yellow Pages.
4. Canada currently has legal gay marriage. Legalized slave trade of its citizens would just be too much market competition for the gay marriage industry, which of course is much more lucrative.
5. No, hire a hit man. Generally, the best hit men are illegal Mexican aliens. They can get in and out of the country mostly undetected.
6. That’s easy. You should know this already. Its a high abomination for people residing in ND, SD, NC, SC, VA and WV to eat shellfish. All other states, its a misdemeanor offense.
7. The rules may have shifted somewhat on this very critical situation. But as a general rule of thumb, if you can see further than a one-legged Florida knat, then youre okay.
8. Although we hate this stupid rule, we suggest you watch Freddie Kruger’s 3rd movie for all the authorized ways to get the deed done. Remember if the friend (you want to stone) has seen the movie, he gets immunity.
9. You may indeed play football. Its only when you touch the pig while eating a BBQ pork sandwich without gloves that you become unclean. You must have missed that revision to the code. It was added in the spring of 1982.
10. Due to varying work schedules of the townspeople, usually it is reccomended that you elect a diverse committee of hookers, liars, gays, Republicans, and convenience store clerks to do the actual stoning. Once that is completed, the town mayor has to sign off. Now, because of the drought restrictions, no burning is allowed, especially on unsupervised private property.