On Wednesday, I asked you to give me your best biblical guidance in the case of a man who had sought a divorce after what could be considered unusual marital circumstances. It provoked some passionate responses and much needed clearing of the air on issues of divorce and remarriage in the biblical context. Certainly, the discussion is a work in progress.
That being said, I wanted to share with you the real story of the scenario presented in the post. The “man” was me 17 years ago.
While this is openly talked about in my book, Touching a Dead Man: One man’s explosive story of deliverance from homosexuality, you may be hearing it for the first time.
The real story is this:
While in the military, I was approached by a lesbian couple who wanted me to enter into an arranged marriage with one of the partners. There were several “benefits” in it for me and them. Since I was living my life as a gay man and had no regard for what was right, I decided to do it. I knew other gay servicemembers who had done simular things so it wasn’t that scary to me. Since I wasnt saved and thought I would be gay for the rest of my life, it sounded like it would work for me.
Part of the deal was that after the marriage, we would live together for several weeks in case someone who didnt know about us came by. We would front our marriage to our families and get the benefits (money, image, etc). We agreed that there would be no consumation and we could each continue with our lives sexually as before. We did a courthouse quickie in February 1990. Her lesbian partner was our only witness.
Well, all seemed well until some major issues came up (drug use to be exact). We were living together in what I would term a hi and bye arrangement, but when this surfaced, I demanded she move out because I didn’t want any drugs in the house. She moved in with her female partner and I breathed a sigh of relief. Me being responsible for her drug use (which I wasnt aware of previously) wasnt part of our deal.
But after her moving out, a depression and frustration came over me. I felt worthless in a way that I couldnt quite explain. As I went on trying to party more, sex more and live my “gay” life more, the depression deepened and eventually I began entertaining thoughts of suicide. I didnt know what was happening to me because I thought –despite the marriage situation— I was okay.
Sparing details which are in my book, my life fell apart to the point of what seemed like no return until one day. Thursday, April 12, 1990.
That day, I came in full contact with the love, mercy and forgiveness of Jesus Christ. And on that day I became a new creation in Christ.
That Sunday I went to church for the first time in many years. I had to go and buy some “church clothes” if thats any indicator of where I was. And I joined that church where I began to grow spiritually. No one knew of my marital status so it was assumed I was single. After some time at the church, I knew that I had to talk with my pastor and ask him what to do about the mess I had created while in my sins.
He told me to make an honest attempt to reconcile with my wife. I did this. I went to her several times to tell her of my change and ask if she wanted to join me, we could be a real husband and wife. Her response was that she was happy where she was with her female partner.
I went back to my pastor to talk about her response. He told me to move on with my life and with the Lord. He told me to seek a divorce and let the Lord lead me after that. When I told my wife I wanted to get a divorce she told me “do what you gotta do”. I did initiate the action and the lawyer told me that because there was no consumation, children or property the divorce would be relatively simple. But at some point my wife begin stalling about signing the papers. Maybe it was because it would end the “benefits” of our arrangement. She never told me why, but eventually the divorce was granted.
Again sparing details (which are in the book) the Lord opened my eyes in so many ways and I later met a beautiful young lady who today is my wife, lover, mother of my four children and my partner in ministry for the last 16 years. Yeah, that’s us in the picture above and her on the right.
The reason I posed the question is that a person from my old church in Texas when they heard shortly after my second marriage that I had been “remarried” told me in no uncertain terms I was “living in adultery”. The person didn’t even acknowledge my deliverance from homosexuality, just that I was in adultery. I never accepted that because I repented and God had forgiven me for that sin and released me to move forward and accomplish his plan for my life. My wife has been and is an undeniable part of not only my healing and recovery from homosexuality, but in this awesome ministry the Lord birthed in us. And I want to thank her with all my love for being my wife and loving me intensely despite my past. God gave me the favor to find my favor.
Thanks for hearing my real story and as I said before, God’s standards never change to accomodate our sins but his mercy allows us the divine opportunity to start a new life in Him. I’m thankful for that.